


Those constellations look like you and I

by Ailendolin



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Injury Recovery, Loss of Powers, M/M, Magic, Major Character Injury, Post-Avengers: Infinity War, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-23 04:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13182273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ailendolin/pseuds/Ailendolin
Summary: How do you feel?” Steve's eyes roamed over Loki’s body, broken in more places than Steve could count. He shook his head. “Stupid question, forget it.”Blood bubbled in the corner of Loki’s mouth. “My mother used to say there are no stupid questions – only stupid answers.” His eyes fell close. “Thor always excelled at those.”“Hey, eyes open,” Steve reminded him.The war against Thanos might be won but the personal battles are far from over. For Loki, they might never end.





	1. The loss

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few quick notes.  
> (1) This story will most likely have three chapters which are already mostly written. It is set after Infinity War but obviously there are no spoilers for the movie at this point since it isn't out yet. I'll try to update every three days but I can't make any promises.
> 
> (2) This deals with the aftermath of torture and violence so please don't read if this is triggering to you. 
> 
> (3) The main focus lies on Steve and Loki's relationship. I have written it as gen but you can definitely interpret this as pre-slash as well, so feel free to choose whichever you like best. 
> 
> (4) The title comes from Sting's song "My funny friend and me".
> 
> (5) English isn't my first language so please don't hesitate to point out any mistakes. 
> 
> (6) Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned here. They are the property of Marvel / Disney.
> 
> (7) Have fun!

**Those constellations look like you and I**

_I always seemed so certain but I was really never sure_  
_But you stayed and you called my name_  
_When others would have walked out on a lousy game_

_Sting - My funny friend and me_

**Chapter 1: The loss**

"Loki? No, open your eyes. Come on, look at me.“

“Captain?” Loki asked in a raspy voice, forcing his eyes open.

Relief rushed through Steve and he smiled. “Yeah, I’m here. Welcome back.”

Loki frowned at him. “I didn’t go … anywhere.”

Steve’s smile softened. “No, you didn’t. How do you feel?” His eyes roamed over Loki’s body, broken in more places than Steve could count. He shook his head. “Stupid question, forget it.”

Blood bubbled in the corner of Loki’s mouth. “My mother used to say there are no stupid questions – only stupid answers.” His eyes fell close. “Thor always excelled at those.”

“Hey, eyes open,” Steve reminded him. Gently but insistently he shook Loki’s shoulder until he looked up at him once more.

“I am tired, Captain,” Loki confessed quietly and a little too breathily for Steve’s comfort. There was an unnatural pallor to his skin that made the dark smudges beneath his eyes stand out even more. Small tremors were wrecking his body and precious pools of blood were beginning to gather beneath him. With a sinking feeling Steve realized Loki was running out of time. Helplessly, he looked around, hoping for Thor or Wanda or … or even Tony to find them – someone, anyone who knew how to save a dying god.

The rubble around them remained undisturbed and his comm link stayed silent. It looked like it was up to Steve to keep Loki alive long enough until help arrived. “I know you’re tired,” he said softly, “but you can’t sleep, Loki. Not yet – not with that brain injury.”

Loki let out a long breath that rattled alarmingly in his chest. “It is my mind that is hurt, not my brain. You simply perceive it differently.”

“Even more reason for you to stay awake,” Steve argued. “I’m not taking any chances.”

Slowly, Loki blinked up at him. “Would it be so bad if I died here, today?”

“Yes!” Steve said, surprising both Loki and himself with the vehemence behind his words.

“Why?” Loki asked in a small, quiet voice. “I am just another villain.”

Steve shook his head. “That’s not true – and it never was, wasn’t it? I remember what you told us about Thanos - or more importantly what you didn’t say. I don’t think you ever wanted to invade Earth. I think you were forced to attack.”

One corner of Loki’s mouth lifted up in a pale shadow of a smile. “You are more perceptive than your friends, Captain.”

“It’s Steve,” Steve told him gently. Before he could say more the comm link crackled to life in his ear.

“-ogers? Cap, can you hear me?”

“Tony!” Steve said in relief, briefly closing his eyes. “You have no idea how glad I am to hear your voice. Can you lock onto my signal? I am somewhere in the wreckage of Thanos’s ship. Loki’s with me and he doesn’t look so good. We could use a little help right about now.”

For a moment Tony was silent and Steve began to fear the link had broken again. Then Tony said in a clear voice, “Roger that. I have your position. Thor and I are on our way.”

“Thank you,” Steve breathed. He turned his attention back to Loki. “Help is coming. You only need to hold on a little longer.”

“I shall try,” Loki said hoarsely.

Despite his words his eyes slid shut and Steve panicked. “No, Loki, look at me!”

Loki’s eyes remained closed. “Thank you for staying with me … Steve,” he wheezed. Blindly, he reached for Steve’s hand with broken fingers. “You are a … good man.”

In the distance Steve heard the telltale sounds of the Iron Man suit followed by rolling thunder. He reached out to cradle Loki’s hand in his. “Please fight a little longer,” he pleaded. “I promise you can rest as much as you want once we’re out of here. I’ll even get you all the blue jello you can eat, and we’ll play Mario Kart for as long as you want. Just please, don’t let go, Loki.”

Loki didn’t open his eyes, but some kind of emotion flickered across his face and he weakly squeezed Steve’s hand despite the pain it must cause him. “I’ll hold you to that.”

His hand went limp just as Thor and Tony touched down next to them.

* * *

Ten hours after the battle for Earth and seven hours after Lady Eir performed what Steve could only call emergency surgery on Loki Steve found himself sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair in the medical wing of the Avengers facility, waiting for a sign that Loki would wake up and be alright. He’d changed out of his tattered uniform and into a pair of hospital scrubs and a white shirt someone had lent him and held vigil at Loki’s side ever since. He did it as much for himself as for Thor whose responsibilities to his people prevented him from staying with his brother for extended periods of time, and he did it gladly despite the exhaustion he could feel settling into his bones.

A quiet hitch of breath caught Steve’s attention and he sat up straighter in his chair. “Loki?” he asked tentatively.

Beneath closed eyelids Loki’s eyes moved rapidly from left to right and back again. Thinking he might be about to wake up Steve pressed a button next to the bed that would alert Lady Eir. She stepped into the room a moment later and quietly assessed the situation.

“I figured I’d better call you in case he wakes up,” Steve said, feeling the need to explain himself under her scrutiny.

Eir turned her sharp eyes on him. “It will be some time until he wakes, Captain Rogers,” she explained matter-of-factly, but not entirely unkindly. “Both his body and mind have suffered severe trauma at the titan’s hands. It was a wonder you could keep him tethered to this world at all after what he’s been through.”

“What exactly happened to him?” Steve asked, quietly.

Eir’s eyes flickered back to Loki. “Things for which no words have yet been created,” she said solemnly. “You see but a fraction of the aftermath. Prince Loki’s wounds reach deep through layers upon layers.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said helplessly, “but I don’t understand what that means.”

Eir smiled sadly at him. “No, you wouldn’t. For you to understand what Thanos has done to him, not just now but years ago as well, you would have to understand how his seiꝺr works – or magic, as you call it. Since you have no magic yourself there is no way you could imagine what it feels like to have it ripped apart, and away, from you.” She must have seen something in Steve’s face for her eyes softened. “I do not mean to belittle you, Captain. It is much like trying to imagine how a person with bad eyesight perceives the world without the aid of their glasses. You simply can’t but that is not your fault.”

“Does Thor understand?” Steve asked.

“No,” Eir said with a shake of her head. “While King Thor has elemental magic in him and recently learned to tap into that Prince Loki’s magic is much stronger and a vital part of him. To have it torn out and used against him is most akin to losing all your limbs, I’d reckon. It is something that has never happened before, at least not that I know of.”

Steve closed his eyes, trying to imagine how it must feel to lose such an integral part of one’s being. Eir was right: he couldn’t. “So his magic … it is gone?”

“Almost all of it, yes,” Eir confirmed with a grave expression. “It is why he looks like this. What little magic he has left is trying its hardest to repair the damages to his body and mind. Unconscious like this he simply has no energy to spare to shapeshift.”

“But he will again?” Steve asked hopefully. “Thor didn’t say much before he left but I saw the look on his face when he saw Loki after the surgery. It was full of pity.”

Eir regarded him for a moment. “Let us hope Prince Loki retains enough magic to change his appearance once he wakes,” she finally said. “I fear no amount of healing will save him should he remain stuck in this form.”

With that, she inclined her head towards Steve and gracefully excused herself. Steve stared after her, wondering what the history behind Loki’s blue skin and delicate markings was and why neither she nor Thor seemed inclined to talk about it. He decided it didn’t matter. Blue or pale, Loki was still Loki. Neither the color of his skin nor the intricate markings on his body changed the fact that Loki had done his best to prepare them for Thanos’s attack over the last few weeks despite the distress it caused him, and faced the titan himself in the end to buy Tony, Bruce and Dr. Strange enough time to set their trap. Without his sacrifice they’d have never stood a chance.

Looking at Loki now, still except for his rapidly moving eyes, Steve couldn’t help but think how unfair it was that the price Loki had to pay for their victory was so high when the rest of them only had to deal with bruises and a few broken bones.

* * *

Five hours later, Steve was startled out of sleep by golden light illuminating the otherwise dark room. Confused, he stared at the small broken images in front of him. They changed too fast for Steve to fully take them in but after a moment of stunned silence he realized there was one constant to all of them: a beautiful tall woman with golden hair and a loving smile.

“He dreams of Mother.”

Steve’s head whipped around in surprise to see Thor leaning against the wall in the corner behind him, arms crossed in front of his chest and a wistful look on his face. “I apologize for startling you,” Thor told him quietly. “You were asleep when I entered and I didn’t want to wake you.”

Steve flashed him a small, sheepish smile. “I must have been more exhausted than I thought. People rarely manage to sneak up on me in my sleep.” He turned back to Loki. “Why are we seeing his dreams? Lady Eir said his magic is all but gone but what I’m seeing is magic, right?”

Thor nodded. “Before Mother taught him to control his seiꝺr Loki often projected his dreams. I remember witnessing some very scary nightmares of his when we were younger.” He sighed and wiped a tired hand across his face. “Maybe it is a good sign that he can still do this.”

Or he burns away precious amounts of magic that he needs to heal because he’s lost the ability to control it, Steve thought grimly. Not wanting to extinguish the hope in Thor’s eyes, he kept that thought to himself and said instead, “He must have loved your mother very much if his mind turns to her for comfort now.”

“They were very close,” Thor said in a voice heavy with grief. “I think she knew what happened to him after he fell from the Bifrost, or at least suspected it. At the time I wondered why she would plead for his life so insistently – now I wish I’d just asked her. It might have spared all of us much pain.” He stepped closer until he could rest his hands on the crisp white sheets of Loki’s bed. “I’d almost forgotten how radiant she was.”

They stared in silence as Loki’s memories of his mother played out before them. Frigga smiled and laughed and grinned at them and it was mesmerizing. Steve tried to commit it all to memory – the way her eyes crinkled with mischief just like Loki’s, the way her smile lit up her whole face, the way her eyes softened and seemed to look down on Loki with so much love. Steve’s fingers itched and he wished he had a sheet of paper and a pencil with him to preserve her for all eternity.

When the memories faded and the room became dark again, Thor placed his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “You should get some sleep,” he suggested without taking his eyes off his brother. “I need not be back with my people for a few hours.”

Steve wondered if Thor was giving up on his own sleep so he could stay at his brother’s side but he didn’t ask. Even though he felt reluctant to leave he also didn’t want to intrude on Thor’s limited time with Loki. With one last look at Loki’s peaceful face he stood up and nodded at Thor. “Call me if he wakes up?”

“Of course,” Thor said. His expression softened. “Thank you for staying with him while I’m away. I really appreciate it and I’m sure Loki would, too.”

Steve smiled at him. “I’ll be back tomorrow at seven.”

* * *

Cup of coffee in hand, Steve stepped into Loki’s room the next morning just as Thor was getting up to leave. “Good morning. Any change?” he asked, nodding towards Loki.

Thor shook his head. “Nothing. Lady Eir was here earlier and confirmed he is healing and getting better but I find it hard to believe when I see him like this.”

Reassuringly, Steve clapped him on the shoulder. “Loki is strong. He will pull through, you’ll see.” He held out his cup of coffee. “Here, take this. You look like you need it more than I do.”

Thor took it gratefully. “Thank you. I will be back later this evening.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on him for you. It’s the least I can do after he saved my life,” Steve smiled.

He got comfortable in the plastic chair Thor had vacated and settled in for another long day of waiting and hoping. Loki looked much like he had yesterday when Steve had left. His eyes were closed and much of his body was hidden by either bandages or the blanket that covered him. He looked thin and drawn and Steve could see why Thor would doubt Eir’s words. There was no visible sign his condition was improving and instead of fading the blue and purple bruises on his face seemed even darker than before.

As disheartening as this was Steve still put on a smile and gently touched Loki’s bandaged hand. “Good morning, Loki,” he said into the too-quiet room. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me for the rest of the day. I brought the first _Harry Potter_ book with me, so if that is not to your liking you better wake up and tell me because I’m going to start reading now.”

He waited a moment for a reaction.

“ _Harry Potter_ it is, then.”

Steve had no idea how long he sat there and read to Loki but his throat felt raw by the time a soft knock came from the door. Through the glass window he could see Tony holding up a can of what Steve really hoped was tea. He smiled and a moment later Tony stepped inside.

“Fruit tea, no sugar, right?” Tony asked by way of greeting.

Steve’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “You remembered,” he said.

Tony shrugged and poured them both a cup. “Hard to forget when you’re the only one who likes this stuff. How’s reindeer games?” he asked, nodding towards Loki’s still form. “Still blue I see.”

“Lady Eir says he’s healing,” Steve told him as he marked the page in the book and put it away. Gratefully, he took the cup Tony offered him.

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” Tony asked rhetorically. He took a sip from his tea and grimaced. “Honestly, I have no idea how you can drink this. Anyway, what about you?”

Steve frowned at him. “What about me?”

Tony rolled his eyes. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m not the one lying in the hospital bed,” Steve pointed out.

“True,” Tony acknowledged, “but you could have been had he not protected you. That can be difficult to come to terms with.”

Quietly, Steve glanced at Tony over the rim of his cup. “A lot of things are.”

Tony offered him a small smile. “Also true.”

“Look,” Steve began, placing the cup down, “I am sorry for what happened between us. There is nothing I regret more than fighting you. No matter how much I try to tell myself that I was right it all still feels horribly wrong.”

Tony nodded quietly. “Well, you weren’t the only one who made mistakes. Had I trusted you more and just listened, we probably could have avoided the whole situation altogether.” He sighed. “For what it’s worth I am sorry, too.”

They were both quiet for a moment as the words sank in.

“So, where do we go from here?” Steve finally asked.

“Honestly? I have no idea,” Tony admitted. “The only thing I know is that I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before. We’re too good a team to go our separate ways again, Steve.”

Steve smiled. “We are, aren’t we? Once we get past our differences and stubbornness, that is.”

“Maybe we should go to couple’s therapy to sort that out,” Tony suggested with a tentative grin.

It startled a laugh out of Steve. “Can you imagine the headlines?”

“Forget the papers, just imagine Fury’s reaction,” Tony countered.

They grinned at each other and for a moment it felt like it used to be, before everything went terribly wrong between them. “I’ve missed this,” Steve admitted quietly.

“Yeah, me too,” Tony said. He contemplated both Steve and Loki for a moment. “Mind if I stay here with you for a while? I promise I won’t interrupt.” He reached for Steve’s book. “What are you reading to him anyway?”

“ _Harry Potter_ ,” Steve said, feeling a little self-conscious.

Tony raised an eyebrow at him. “Doesn’t seem like something Loki would enjoy.”

It wasn’t. Steve had suggested reading it a few weeks ago after he and Loki had become close enough to enjoy each other’s company outside of tactical meetings and training exercises. Sharing a tea in mutual silence in the afternoon had soon turned into long talks, mostly about the everyday mundane since Loki had been reluctant to talk about personal things. Apart from giving them a brief account about the destruction of Asgard and Thanos’s subsequent ambush that resulted in Thor getting lost in space and Loki sending the Hulk to Dr. Strange he had not told them much. It was only later, after discussing the chapter of a book they were both reading, that he’d confessed to Steve how he’d bargained for his people’s lives with the Tesseract and double-crossed Thanos by handing him an elaborate illusion. He still remembered the underlying fear in Loki’s voice well when he had uttered the name of the titan.

“Steve?”

Startled, Steve looked up at Tony. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly, “got lost in my head. What were you saying?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Tony told him dismissively. He held out the book to Steve. “Let’s get back to Hogwarts, shall we?”

Steve nodded and picked up where he left off. True to his word, Tony stayed quiet while Steve read. A comfortable silence settled between them, only permeated by Steve’s soft voice and Loki’s quiet breaths. When Steve’s voice failed him halfway through the story, Tony gently reached for the book and took over for him. Steve couldn’t help but stare, grateful that Tony was here and willing to give them another chance after all that had happened between them. It seemed like a miracle, and Steve could only pray that he would be fortunate enough to get a second one and Loki would wake up soon.

* * *

When Steve took over for Thor the next morning Loki seemed agitated. His eyes were moving restlessly behind his eyelids and his broken fingers were clenched in the bed sheets, trying to reach for something to hold onto.

“He has been having nightmares,” Thor confided in Steve before he left. “Lady Eir tried to help him sleep more soundly but it was to no avail, as you can see.”

“That is because his mind is dealing with a lot of trauma,” Eir said as she stepped into the room. She put her hand over Loki’s brow and for a heartbeat his face was bathed in shimmering golden light. A frown marred her face when she took her hand away. “He is most troubled.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Steve asked quietly, unable to look away from Loki’s distressed face.

Eir shook her head. “I am afraid this is something Prince Loki has to fight on his own. His body remembers the loss of his seiꝺr and tries to pull the scattered pieces together, but his mind refuses to believe. There is nothing but your presence you can offer him as comfort right now.”

“And I am unable to do even that,” Thor sighed, voice full of regret.

“Do not blame yourself, my king,” Eir said earnestly. “Prince Loki would not want you to neglect your duties to your people for him. He will understand.”

Thor smiled at her, though it was tinged with sadness. “Thank you, Lady Eir. Please inform me if my brother awakens.”

“Of course,” Eir nodded. “Allow me to escort you outside.”

After one last look at Loki and a nod at Steve, Thor left the room with Eir. Steve moved the plastic chair closer to the bed and sat down. He’d come here with the intention of reading to Loki again, but the pinched expression on Loki’s face made him reconsider that. He felt utterly helpless, reduced as he was to watching Loki struggle against his demons on his own. Over the last few weeks he’d already seen glimpses of them in moments when Loki unconsciously let something slip about his past, especially about his time with Thanos, and Steve had been at a loss at what to do then as well.

The longer Steve sat with him the more restless Loki became. Steve watched him with growing unease and was about to call Eir in again when suddenly cold blue light illuminated the darkened room. Above Loki’s body images flickered to life, harsh and bright and so different from Loki’s memories of his mother. Dread filled Steve’s stomach when he recognized Thanos’s face in the projections. He watched in horror as Loki’s first meeting with the titan played out, followed by a quick succession of images of all kinds of torture Steve could imagine and even more horrible and cruel things Steve had never thought possible. By the time the memories shifted to Loki’s invasion of Earth and his meeting with The Other Steve felt sick. He’d suspected for some time now that the invasion hadn’t been Loki’s idea, but to have his worst suspicions confirmed so vividly left him reeling. Loki had never sought to explain his actions that day and had instead born all responsibility quietly, and Steve couldn’t imagine why he would do this. From what he had gathered from Loki himself and the memories he’d just seen Loki had been through something unimaginable, formed into a weapon, a simple tool, and used as such. He seemed to be just as much a victim as Clint or Dr. Selvig had been and yet he’d rather have them believe he was a villain than admit to having been used. Steve couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to Loki in his past that he would willingly chose that road.

The images changed to more recent ones and Steve was now looking into the familiar faces of his teammates, pointing several weapons at Loki. Steve remembered that moment well. It had been the day Loki had come to Earth with the remnants of his people, pleading for shelter. Understandably, the Avengers had greeted him with nothing but animosity and suspicion. In the end it had been Steve who had argued that they couldn’t turn the Asgardians away in their time of need to which the others had agreed, and Clint had insisted that Loki be taken into custody until his story could be verified despite Bruce’s reassurance that he was telling the truth.

Loki had gone willingly and Steve remembered the relieved look on his face when he was assured that his people would be well taken care off in the Avengers’ facility for the time being. Even after more than three weeks in an isolation cell with no access to his magic thanks to Dr. Strange Loki had remained nothing but courteous and polite, providing vital information against Thanos whenever they asked. When Thor had finally reached Earth with the help of Peter Quill and his friends, he had confirmed Loki’s story and Steve had insisted that Loki was released from his cell and given his own room, much to the continued grumbling and arguing of Clint, Tony and Dr. Strange.

The memory above Loki flickered and Steve watched himself and the others sitting around a large round table in their meeting room. It could be any meeting, really, but Steve was sure that this was the one where they’d been discussing Thanos and his connection to Loki in detail. He remembered it going on for hours until Loki had suddenly left the room in a rush, looking pale and clammy. Steve had followed him only to stop in front of the bathroom door when he heard sounds of retching interrupted by muffled sobs. He’d stayed there, a silent witness to Loki’s trauma. When Loki finally came out again he was unsteady on his feet and looking like death warmed over. His cheeks had flamed bright red in embarrassment as he’d noticed Steve but Steve had only nodded at him and walked him to his room, telling him that the meeting was over and that he should get some rest. He’d never told anyone what he’d witnessed that day but he made sure to keep discussions about Loki’s past encounters with Thanos to a minimum from then on.

The image changed once more and Steve’s heart clenched as he recognized the halls of Thanos’s ship. Unable to watch their final meeting with the titan play out before his eyes from Loki’s point of view he reached out and gently wrapped his fingers around Loki’s wrist, mindful of his injuries. Loki’s skin was cold to his touch and, much to Steve’s surprise, warmed under his hand and turned pale where his fingers made contact. It wasn’t much and didn’t spread far, but the fact that Loki’s skin could change color at all despite his crippled magic almost made Steve weep in relief.

The harsh blue light of Loki’s memories abruptly faded away and was replaced by the gentle golden hues Steve was already familiar with from Loki’s memories of Frigga. But instead of seeing Loki’s mother Steve was surprised to see memories of himself appearing above Loki’s body. They were in no particular order and Steve didn’t recognize all of them, but one thing stood out: in all of them, Steve was smiling. There was that moment when he came to Loki’s room to welcome him to the team after he’d been released from his cell, followed by the time Steve found Loki staring listlessly out a window in the common room and offered him a cup of tea while preparing one for himself. He watched himself grin at something Loki said though he couldn’t remember the story now. Then, he was offering Loki a gamepad, after which countless rounds of Mario Kart had followed as well as much laughter. One happy memory after another of their brief time spent together flickered to life in front of Steve’s eyes and he watched their friendship unfold in amazement. He’d never realized how much he apparently smiled in Loki’s presence, or how happy he looked when they were together. Most of all, he’d never realized how much those little moments seemed to mean to Loki.

Guilt coursed through Steve. He’d never gone out of his way to spend time with Loki, and now he felt bad about it. In the beginning their meetings had been purely by chance and though more pleasant than Steve had expected he’d never actually planned on spending time with Loki. Their friendship had only developed because Loki had started to appear more often in the common room instead of shutting himself away in his rooms whenever his presence wasn’t needed. Steve could have smacked himself for not seeing it sooner: Loki had sought his company all this time, maybe because Steve was kind to him when no one else would, maybe because he was lonely, maybe because he was bored or maybe it was a combination of all three – but that didn’t change the fact that Loki had gone out of his way to spend time with Steve. It was thanks to him that they’d discovered a similar interest in literature, art and music, a shared love for tea and a fascination for video games that had the other Avengers shaking their heads at them.

Steve’s gaze shifted from the memories to Loki’s pale face. He knew he hadn’t been a very good friend in the past and he regretted that. But the future wasn’t set in stone and he silently promised anyone in the universe who was listening that he would try his best to be the friend Loki deserved when woke up – not because he felt some sort of obligation or the need to atone for his ignorance but because he wanted to do better.

The last memory played out before Steve and the golden light dimmed a little. He saw himself about to be crushed by Thanos and watched in fascination as magic covered him protectively. At the time he hadn’t been able to see through Loki’s barrier but now he bore silent witness to Loki’s fight with the titan, and his ultimate loss. He didn’t understand everything he saw but he knew enough to be able to pinpoint the moment Loki’s magic was being ripped apart. The projection briefly became a glowing ball of white light that slowly dimmed back into golden awareness. When the titan finally threw Loki aside like a broken toy, Loki’s eyes found Steve’s through the rubble around them as his protective barrier vanished. Steve saw the worry plain and clear in his own face as he made his way over to Loki even though the memory became blurry with pain and slowly dissolved into nothingness.

Steve blinked tears out of his eyes. “I am here,” he whispered fiercely, cradling Loki’s hand gently between his own. “I know you’re in a very dark and terrifying place right now and I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling, but you have to push through it, alright? There are people here who miss you, who want you back in their lives. You don’t have to wake up now, or tomorrow, or this week. Take all the time you need, but please come back to us, alright? Just … please.”

Loki didn’t wake up, and Steve didn’t expect him to, but his face looked calmer and the hand Steve was holding seemed a little warmer than before. It was a small step but a step nonetheless and if Steve had to hold Loki’s hand for the rest of the day to keep the nightmares at bay he would do it gladly.

* * *

Thor came back later than usual that evening. Steve was dozing in his chair, still holding onto Loki’s hand, by the time the door opened. Thor’s face looked drawn and his shoulders seemed heavy with worry, but he broke out into a relieved smile when he spotted Steve.

“I thought you’d already left,” he said as he stepped closer. “I am sorry for being late but the negotiations about relocating my people were … extensive.”

Steve grimaced in sympathy and offered him a reassuring smile. “There’s no need to apologize, Thor. I certainly don’t envy you right now.”

Thor nodded and focused his attention on his brother. “He seems more peaceful than when I left this morning.”

“I think he is,” Steve said, following Thor’s gaze to Loki’s sleeping face. “He was having nightmares, earlier – or bad memories, really. But he’s been sleeping soundly for a while now. All I had to do was touch him.” He nodded towards his hand that was still resting on Loki’s wrist.

Thor’s gaze wandered from Loki’s face to Steve’s hand. He looked intrigued. “Did anything else happen when you touched him?”

Steve nodded. “His skin turned pale again, briefly. It’s back to blue now, though.”

To Steve’s surprise Thor beamed at him. “That is good news, Steve!” Thor said as he clasped Steve’s shoulder tightly. “Have you told Lady Eir about this?”

“Um, no?” Steve confessed, wincing inwardly. “To be honest, I didn’t even think about calling her. I’m sorry.”

Thor shook his head, still grinning at him. “It does not matter. What matters is that you reached him.”

“Reached him?” Steve asked, not understanding.

“I do not know for sure because I do not understand Loki’s magic well,” Thor admitted, “but I think you somehow established a connection with his seiꝺr. Our mother used to do that, connecting her magic to his to help him learn to control it.”

Steve frowned. “I don’t have magic,” he felt the need to point out.

Thor dismissed his argument with a wave of his hand. “Perhaps not, but Loki … he likes you, and his seiꝺr recognizes that. Lady Eir told me he may be in need of an anchor for his magic, and thought me the most likely candidate since that person can only be someone he has faith in - but it seems Loki chose his own way, as he is known to do.”

“I didn’t mean to take your place,” Steve began to apologize but Thor stopped him with a shake of his head.

“You didn’t,” Thor reassured him. “It was neither yours nor mine to take, but Loki’s alone to give.”

“Alright, but what exactly does it mean,” Steve asked, “being an anchor?”

Thor smiled kindly at him. “It means Loki trusts you above anyone else, even me. Him reaching out to you was not a conscious decision on his part but an instinctive reaction. From what Lady Eir tells me his magic is so torn apart that the pieces have trouble reconnecting. With Loki unable to control it yet his seiꝺr has chosen you to hold it together, like glue, I suppose. This connection gives him the chance to heal what he alone cannot. Unfortunately that means you will need to stay close to him from now on.”

“For how long?” Steve couldn’t help but ask, not because he minded but because the last thing he wanted was for Loki to wake up only to learn that he would be dependent on Steve for the rest of their lives – which in Steve’s case should be considerably shorter than that of a typical Asgardian’s.

“Until he is fully healed … or as healed as he can get,” Thor added quietly. “The connection is not permanent, if that is what you fear, my friend. Loki won’t rely on you anymore once he has regained his strength and control over his seiꝺr.”

Steve let all that sink in. He felt a headache coming on as he tried to understand how exactly Loki’s magic worked and what his role as anchor truly entailed. “Just let me make sure I get this right,” he began. “I have to stay in close proximity to Loki for the next few days or weeks or however long it takes so his magic can use me as … as a crutch, so to say. There’s nothing specific I need to do to help him?”

Thor nodded. “That is correct. Your presence is what Loki needs most now that he has chosen you as his anchor, or crutch as you call it. I am sure he won’t mind you talking or reading to him, though,” he adds with a wink.

“Well, if he does all he has to do is wake up and tell me to stop,” Steve said with a wry smile.

It’s as if Loki had listened. A quiet groan comes from the bed and both Steve and Thor turn their heads in surprise and anticipation. Loki’s eyes are barely open but Steve can still make out their red color, a stark contrast to his blue skin, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little taken aback.

“Thor?” Loki rasped out. “Captain?”

Steve leaned closer and smiled at him, deciding that the red eyes weren’t important. “I thought we were on a first name basis, Loki.”

Loki looked utterly confused and for a moment his eyes glanced back and forth between Thor and Steve. Then he smiled and fell back asleep.

Steve couldn’t help his fond amusement and the hope bubbling up in his chest. Surely Loki waking up was a good sign. He looked at Thor and found him grinning broadly, as if all his burdens had vanished. He looked younger and more carefree than Steve had seen him in a long time.

“I didn’t think I’d ever hear my brother’s voice again,” he said, pulling Steve into a hug that nearly crushed him. “This is wonderful, friend Steve! With your help Loki will recover, I am sure of it! Thank you!”

Steve laughed, getting caught up in Thor’s excitement for a moment before he gently pushed the Asgardian away. “We should probably inform Lady Eir that Loki has woken up,” he said.

Thor nodded fervently. “I will do so at once.”

He left the room and Steve sat back down, letting out a huff of happy laughter. He reached for Loki’s hand again. “You did great,” he told him quietly.

He watched in fascination as the paleness of Loki’s skin seemed to stretch a little farther where their hands were touching.


	2. The recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone for all the kudos and kind comments you left for the first chapter! It is always a joy to see that people enjoy a story. I hope you like the second chapter just as well.

**Chapter 2: The recovery**

Steve rarely left Loki’s side over the next couple of days. Tony, once he heard about the anchor thing (which still gave Steve a headache, no matter how many different words Eir or Thor used to explain it) arranged for a cot to be placed next to Loki’s bed so Steve wouldn’t have to sleep in the chair for the foreseeable future. Steve had insisted it wasn’t necessary but he appreciated the gesture just the same. He was just glad he could talk Tony out of putting a second bed in Loki’s room.

Loki, for his part, had remained mostly unconscious in the beginning. There had been moments when he’d briefly woken up but by the time he’d recognized his surroundings or the people looking at him what little strength he had was gone and he fell right back asleep. Eir had assured them this was normal and that it was a good sign Loki talked at all, especially because he seemed to remember them. It made Steve wonder how badly Loki’s mind must have been damaged if Eir had seriously considered memory loss a possibility.

Loki’s moments of consciousness, short as they were, increased in number the longer Steve stayed with him. Steve had no idea how their connection truly worked but it seemed to be helping Loki and that was all that mattered, in the end. He continued to read to Loki, or when his eyes strained to make out the words he simply talked about anything and everything that came to mind. Sometimes, people would visit and he’d have some company – mostly Thor, but Tony came by as well to make sure Steve was happy with the cot he got him, much to Steve’s amusement.

The day Wanda came in with a tentative knock and a small smile pulling her lips upward, her face had been a mixture of hope and sadness. “He is much better,” she had said, “but there is an emptiness in him now that nothing and no one will ever be able to fill.”

It had been sobering to hear her talk like that. Steve had no way to sense Loki’s magic, not like Wanda and Eir had. He only saw the physical changed that indicated that Loki was getting better. Loki’s broken bones were slowly healing with the help of Eir’s spells and the purple bruises on his body had begun to fade away into nothingness. Physically, Loki looked a lot healthier than he had a week ago, although the color of his skin was still an unchanged blue. It worried Steve that both Eir and Wanda looked at Loki with more pity than happiness at his recovery.

He learned his worries were justified when Loki woke up for the first time for an extended period of time. Instead of half-lidded eyes dulled and filled with pain bright red eyes were staring at Steve one day with a clarity he hadn’t seen since the battle against Thanos. It felt like a major step in the right direction, so Steve smiled at Loki and said, “You have no idea how good it is to see you.”

“Steve,” Loki breathed. Then his gaze dropped to his hand which Steve was gently holding, something he’d become used to over the last few days, thinking it might help. Loki began to frown and Steve drew his hand away, not wanting to make Loki uncomfortable. It was one thing to hold a guy’s hand when he was unconscious and quite another when he was awake, after all. Much to Steve’s confusion Loki’s frown only deepened. There was a touch of panic in his eyes as he lifted his hand, no longer bandaged, and stared at it.

“No,” Loki muttered, dropping his trembling hand back onto the mattress as if it had burned him. He turned his head to look at his other hand. “No, no, no!”

Confused, Steve tried to figure out what could have upset Loki. “Do your hands hurt? Lady Eir only removed the bandages earlier today, so some pain is probably normal. It should fade within the next few days.”

Loki stared at him in incomprehension for a moment before he vehemently shook his head. “No, it’s not –“

He broke off and closed his eyes instead. His face was scrunched up in concentration as he tightly balled his hands into fists. Steve watched in fascination as the blue slowly began to fade from Loki’s skin as did the markings. With a jolt Steve realized that Loki was ashamed of his blue skin. He didn’t know why Loki would react that way since Thor hadn’t told them much besides that this was Loki’s jotun form, but seeing Loki struggle like this to hide himself broke Steve’s heart.

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “I don’t mind the blue.”

Loki’s red eyes flew open and Steve was startled by the tears in them. “But I do!” Loki pressed out, breathing harshly.

“Alright,” Steve said in a placating manner. For a short moment he watched Loki force the paleness back to his skin, debating with himself what to do. It was obvious that Loki lacked either the strength or the magic or both to completely turn himself back into his usual form. The last thing Steve wanted was for him to overexert himself in this desperate attempt to hide his jotun self. But Steve didn’t want him to suffer either and Loki was clearly distressed by his blue skin. Making up his mind, Steve carefully reached out and took both of Loki’s hands in his, gently prying them open. “Let me help?”

He had no idea if their connection worked that way but seeing as he’d managed to return Loki’s skin to its normal color once before Steve thought it was worth a try. He knew he didn’t have magic and that he couldn’t change the color of Loki’s skin by sheer will, but maybe this simple touch was enough to give Loki the strength he needed to make the shift complete.

Loki’s eyes widened as their hands touched. He drew in a shaky breath and stared at Steve with something akin to wonder in his eyes. Steve held his gaze and smiled reassuringly while the blue finally faded completely from Loki’s skin and his eyes changed from red to blue.

“Better?” Steve asked softly once the change was complete.

Loki blinked in surprise and nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”

Steve could feel him trembling and gently coaxed him to lie back down. There was a fine sheen of sweat on Loki’s brow and his breath came a little too fast and hitched every so often in his throat, but overall Loki looked more at ease than he had a minute ago. Steve knew then he’d made the right decision in helping Loki to complete the shift back to his usual form.

“Any time,” Steve told him. “You won’t turn blue if I let go, will you?”

“No,” Loki said, though he didn’t sound exactly confident, “I shouldn’t.”

Steve smiled and slowly drew his hands back. Nothing happened, much to his relief. “Good. It would certainly complicate things a little if we had to hold hands all the time from now on.”

Loki’s lips quirked up slightly. “There could be worse fates.”

“I suppose so,” Steve agreed with a huff of a laugh. “Now, how do you feel?”

Loki closed his eyes briefly, gathering his thoughts. “I honestly do not know how to answer that,” he confessed. “I am not in … much pain, if that’s what you are asking. The healing spells dull most of it. Lady Eir’s?” he asked, looking at Steve for confirmation.

Steve nodded. “She saved your life.”

“I thought I recognized her seiꝺr,” Loki murmured. “She is much gifted, but …” He stared down at his hands in sadness, “there are some things even she cannot mend.”

Remembering Wanda’s words, Steve said, “You mean your magic.”

“Yes,” Loki confirmed quietly. “It is a constant ache within me, an itching in my bones like ants crawling up a tree. No healing spell, no matter how sophisticated, will ever make that go away.” He sighed. “I feel the missing pieces of my seiꝺr like open wounds, akin to the pain of a lost limb. Where once I could change shape just by thinking about it now I have barely enough seiꝺr left to stay in this form, much less do anything else. I feel crippled.”

Steve had no idea what to say. It was like Eir had told him: he simply couldn’t imagine how Loki felt right now and it pained him that he didn’t know what to do, how to help him. Loki looked lost and terribly small in his light blue hospital gown, hunched in on himself and mourning the loss of such an integral part of his being, and Steve felt utterly helpless.

“I am sorry you lost so much because of me,” he finally whispered, knowing mere words could never be enough.

Much to his surprise, Loki shook his head. “I am not,” he said firmly. “I may regret losing my magic and not being strong enough to face the … the titan in the first place, but I don’t regret protecting you, Steve. I could never regret that.” They stared at each other in silence for a moment, Loki’s gaze intense despite the weariness that was slowly taking hold of him again. “This is not your fault,” he insisted. “He would have crushed me anyway even if I hadn’t protected you. There is no running away from him. I know that better than most.”

Loki shuddered as if cold and unconsciously pulled his blanket higher. He looked pale and drawn, just like he had when he’d abruptly left the Avengers meeting a few weeks ago and Steve had found him throwing up in the bathroom. Wanting to prevent an incident like this, Steve said, “I am still sorry you had to sacrifice your magic that day.”

“There could have been greater sacrifices,” Loki told him quietly. “I could have lost Thor, my people – you. There is not much left in this realm or any other that I hold dear and I’d rather have died than see you or Thor fall. The loss of my seiꝺr is a small price to pay for a happy ending where the universe is saved, don’t you think?”

Steve disagreed. “It isn’t a happy ending when your friend is left struggling for the rest of his life.”

Loki’s eyes softened. “I was prepared to die that day, Steve. We both know that. I didn’t expect to leave the battlefield alive but I did because you pulled me back, you pulled me through.” He sighed. “What the titan did to my magic – I shouldn’t have survived that, but I did because of you, and I’m glad of it. Aren’t you?”

“Of course I am,” Steve hurried to reassure him.

“Then let us stop dwelling on the past,” Loki suggested gently. He sounded tired and weary. “What is done is done. I am here and so are you, let that be enough for now. Speaking of being here, where is my brother? I expected him at my side, if I’m being honest.”

Loki tried to hide it but Steve could see a flicker of disappointment cross his face before he quickly masked it. He sometimes marveled at Loki’s ability to hide his emotions so well, even when he was in pain. “Thor should be here soon, actually,” Steve explained. “He’s been at your side almost every night and whenever his people – _your_ people – could spare him during the day.”

A tired smile pulled Loki’s lips up, as telling as words. “That … is good to know.” His eyes fell briefly shut. “Keep me awake until he gets here? But please, no more _Harry Potter_.”

Steve laughed. “You heard me read?”

Loki opened his eyes and nodded. “Why do you think I woke up?” he teased.

Steve laughed, shaking his head in fond amusement. “I promise, no more _Harry Potter_. Though Tony mentioned a parody musical which might be more to your liking, if what he told me about it is true. Maybe we could give that a try once you’re better?”

“Sounds good,” Loki surprised him by saying. “Also, if I remember correctly, you promised me blue jello and Mario Kart in return for not dying.”

Steve huffed out a laugh. “We can definitely scratch memory loss off the list of possible side effects.” When Loki stared at him in confusion Steve dismissed him with a shake of his head. “Doesn’t matter. Once Lady Eir gives her okay I’ll make good on my promises – I promise. That reminds me: I probably should let her know you’re awake.”

Before Loki could protest Steve reached over and pushed the small button next to Loki’s bed. A moment later Eir rushed into the room. Her face, usually set in a carefully neutral expression, lit up in a smile. “You are awake, my prince!” she exclaimed, quickly stepping closer. “How do you feel?”

Loki shot Steve a look as if to say, _See what you have done?_

Steve just smiled at him.

“I feel reasonably well, Lady Eir,” Loki told her formally, “and I realize I have you to thank for that.”

She shook her head. “There is no need to. I only did what I was taught to do as you well know. The rest you did all by yourself, along with the help of Captain Rogers.”

Loki glanced at Steve. “Yes, I noticed the connection.”

“It will fade, once your seiꝺr is stable again,” Eir reassured him. “Judging by the rate of improvement I don’t expect it to exist beyond a week from now on, give or take a few days. Now, would you allow me to run a few tests, my prince?”

Loki nodded his head in agreement and Steve stood up, taking this as his cue to leave. “I’ll just go and contact Thor, tell him the good news, alright?”

“Thank you,” Loki said meaningfully. He held Steve’s gaze for a moment.

Steve smiled at him, knowing Loki didn’t just thank him for calling his brother. “Any time, Loki.”

* * *

It turned out Eir underestimated the energy Loki’s magic needed to pull itself together. Steve remained Loki’s anchor for more than two weeks after Loki finally woke up properly. He didn’t mind and though Loki had once asked him guiltily if he wouldn’t rather do something more productive with his time than playing board games and reading books with him Steve was sure that Loki was secretly glad for the company and relished it. While Loki rarely asked for companionship Steve had noticed he never turned it down when it was offered. And he got many offers, these days. There had been a constant stream of visitors since Loki had woken up. Thor, of course, had been there most often and Steve had been happy to notice that he kept Loki up to date on the matters of their people and more than once asked for his advice when it came to ruling decisions. Apart from Thor, the rest of the Avengers had visited Loki as well, Clint among them. Steve inwardly cringed as he remembered that conversation.

“I still don’t like you, you know?” Clint had told Loki flat out the moment he’d walked into the room.

“I am not overtly fond of you either, Barton,” Loki had shot back.

They’d grinned at each other. “Glad we sorted that out. Get better, and so on.”

It wasn’t much but it was a start. The other visits had gone a little better. Tony had shown up several times with a tablet in hand and together they’d enjoyed some hilarious hours in the realm of _Harry Potter_ parody musicals. Bruce and Natasha had come bearing flowers at Bruce’s insistence, because apparently Loki’s hospital room needed more color. When it had turned out Loki was allergic to them, if his sneezing and teary eyes were any indication, Natasha had simply giving Bruce a look and said, “I told you this was a stupid idea.”

The day Dr. Strange had shown up with Wanda in tow had been particularly fascinating, at least for Steve. Loki had stiffened the moment Dr. Strange had stepped through the door. “Here to send me through another portal?” he’d asked testily and Steve was pretty sure there was a story there he hadn’t been told yet.

One corner of Dr. Strange’s mouth had lifted guiltily. “No. We’re here to offer our help, actually.”

“Once you’re better,” Wanda had added. “We know your magic is different from ours but maybe we can learn from each other?”

Loki had contemplated that for a moment. “I would like that,” he’d finally said with a graceful inclination of his head.

The most interesting visit by far came on the day the connection between Loki and Steve dissolved. They were sitting in Loki’s hospital room in comfortable silence with Steve drawing and Loki reading. Instead of bandages and a thin blue hospital gown Loki was wearing a soft green tunic that Thor had brought him the day before. His skin, though still a little too pale for Steve’s comfort, looked much healthier now. Outwardly, Loki appeared to be healed, but Steve knew from the lingering nightmares and unexpected bouts of magic that Loki still had a long road ahead of him – one that was possibly endless.

They both looked up when the door to Loki’s room opened. Steve almost dropped his pencil in surprise when Thor stepped inside, followed by six children, most of them little girls.

“Look who I brought, brother!” Thor said happily by way of greeting.

The children crowded around Loki’s bed, looking at him with big, trusting eyes, before they exploded into a thousand questions.

“How are you, Prince Loki?”

“Are you still hurt?”

“Did you really save Midgard?”

“When will we resume our lessons?”

Loki held up his hand and the children fell silent at once, much to Steve’s amusement. He looked at them with a stern expression. “What have I told you about manners?”

They shuffled their feet. “Hello, Prince Loki,” they said in unison before turning to Steve and adding sheepishly, “Hello, Captain Rogers.”

Steve laughed. “Just Steve is fine. And who are you, if I may ask?”

A girl, the oldest at maybe ten human years, straightened. “I am Alvi, and these are Vedis, Myrún, Halla and Una,” she said, pointing to the girls next to her in quick succession. “And this is Alfarinn,” she added, indicating the boy.

Steve inclined his head at them. “I am very pleased to meet your acquaintance.”

“As are we,” Alvi said with a courteous bow before she turned back to Loki. “We have missed you much these past few weeks.”

Loki’s stern expression melted. “I have missed you and our lessons as well,” he admitted. “It is good to see you again.”

The little boy, Alfarinn, maybe about four in human years and the youngest of the group, cautiously stepped up to Loki’s bed. “You are hurt,” he whispered with a frown. The other children stepped closer, wearing matching expression of dismay. “Your seiꝺr …”

“Is almost gone, yes,” Loki affirmed gently but without preamble. Alfarrin’s lower lip began to tremble and, with a soft sigh, Loki carefully lifted him onto the bed and into his arms. “Do not cry, little one,” he soothed as one by one his other students climbed onto the bed as well and joined the two of them.

And that was what they were, Steve realized suddenly: Loki’s students. He remembered Loki mentioning once during one of their conversations that all Asgardians were born with magic but only a few of them possessed enough of it to make use of it. Loki had told him that the proper teaching of magic in Asgard was reserved to women, that young girls were trained from an early age in the arts of it if they were talented, explaining why most of Loki’s students were female. Loki himself had been an exception to the rule and the only male student in Asgard at his time. He had said that it was his mother who had insisted he’d be taught. When his father refused she had taken matters into her own hands and educated and trained him herself, an honor she had never bestowed upon anyone else. It made sense, Steve thought, that Loki would now want to teach Asgard’s gifted children what he knew to preserve his mother’s legacy. He wondered how long Loki had taught them – had it started back on Asgard as he posed as Odin, maybe under a different disguise? Or on the ship on their way to Earth after their home had been destroyed? Steve made a mental note to ask him later.

“Loki has always been good with children,” Thor said quietly next to Steve, startling him out of his thoughts. “Children and animals. I believe it is because they do not judge so easily.”

There was sadness and regret in Thor’s voice as he watched his brother patiently answer all the questions the children had. Loki looked content in a way Steve had never seen before, smiling at the children and not at all bothered by them crowding the bed or sitting on his legs.

“Now,” he said once all immediate questions were answered, “have you been practicing what I’ve taught you while I was away?” The children nodded eagerly. “Show me.”

Steve watched in awe as golden light filled the room. Bunnies and foxes materialized in a shower of golden sparks and jumped over the bed while snakes slithered up the sheets and butterflies and ravens soared through the room. The only one who struggled to conjure up an animal was the little boy, Alfarinn, Steve noticed. His face was scrunched up in effort and it painfully reminded him of Loki when he had tried and failed to change the color of his skin.

Steve stepped closer and sat down on the edge of Loki’s bed. “Don’t forget to breathe,” he gently reminded the boy. Alfarinn blinked up at him for a moment before he let out a long breath and greedily gulped in fresh air. Steve smiled at him. “That’s it. Now you can try again.”

Alfarinn shook his head. “I can’t do it,” he said dejectedly.

Steve’s heart went out to him and, so it seemed, did Loki’s. “How about we try together?”

Both Steve and Thor looked at him in surprise. “Do you think this wise, brother?” Thor asked in concern.

The question was valid. Apart from changing his appearance Loki had refrained from using his magic in the last few weeks since both he and Eir deemed it still too torn apart and volatile to be tested yet. Another matter had been his recovery process. In the beginning Loki had been too weak to control the pieces of his magic as his dream projections had proven. Eir had been adamant that he allow himself to physically heal first before they tackled the healing of his magic.

Apparently, Loki deemed himself well enough to finally regain that part of himself, because he smiled and nodded at Thor. His eyes silently dared his brother to argue, though. “I am sure it will be fine.” He turned his attention back to Alfarinn. “Now, what kind of animal did you envision?”

“A puffin,” Alfarinn admitted proudly.

“A good choice,” Thor acknowledged with a grin while Loki looked them in confusion.

“What is a puffin?” he asked.

Steve reached for his phone and showed him a picture while Alfarinn explained, “It’s a bird that lives in the North Atlantic! Mr. Banner told us about it.”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “Did he now?” There was amusement in his eyes as he regarded the strange-looking bird. “Very well, let’s make a puffin. Give me your hand, little one.”

Steve put the phone back in his pocket. “Do you, uh, need my help?” he asked, feeling a little awkward.

“Thank you,” Loki said and flashed him a quick smile, “but I think it’s time to stand on my own two feet, so to speak, wouldn’t you agree?”

Steve nodded in understanding. “I’m sure you’ll do great.”

Loki seemed grateful for the boost of confidence. Carefully, he held Alfarinn’s hand in between his own and closed his eyes. “Now, imagine the puffin in your mind. Do you see it?”

“Yes,” the boy whispered while the other children watched with rapt attention.

“Good,” Loki praised. “Do you remember how to use your seiꝺr?” Alfarinn nodded. “Then reach for it. Find that place within you where it lies and allow it to flow through your entire being. Do you feel it?”

“I do!” Alfarinn said.

Loki smiled. “Now, think really hard about what you want it to do. Imagine the puffin, and let your seiꝺr take its shape. I will help you.”

Steve had no idea what was going on but suddenly not just one but two small puffins appeared on Loki’s bed. Alfarinn’s face lit up. “I did it! Did you see?” he asked, turning to his fellow students. Alvi and the other girls smiled at him and nodded, just as excited about the puffins as he was.

“Well done,” Thor praised the boy who blushed a little at the attention. “My brother taught you well.”

Alfarinn nodded. “He is the best,” he said earnestly. Turning back to Loki he added, “Thank you!”

Loki inclined his head in acknowledgement. “You are, as always, most welcome.”

What Steve assumed to be Alfarinn’s puffin jumped off the bed and began chasing the crows and butterflies around the room while Loki’s puffin lagged behind. It was a little smaller than the other one and stumbled a bit around before finding its balance. By the strained expression on Loki’s face Steve knew it wasn’t easy for him to hold up the illusion and he wasn’t surprised when soon enough the puffin vanished quietly, leaving only a few golden sparkles behind. Loki frowned at the place where his puffin had been and Steve, after making sure the children were distracted by their illusions and Thor, shuffled a little closer and bent his head so only Loki could hear him. “That was amazing,” he told him quietly. “Honestly.”

Loki looked at him with what Steve could only call fond exasperation. “You are just easily impressed,” he huffed.

Steve shook his head. “No. I was afraid you would never be able to do something like this again. To see you cast illusions once more, and help that little boy with his as well, is absolutely incredible.”

“It’s a far cry from what I used to be able to do,” Loki reminded him but there was an odd look in his eyes.

“I know,” Steve replied, “but that doesn’t make this any less remarkable.”

Loki’s eyes softened and he reached out to give Steve’s hand a quick squeeze. Before he could say anything, however, laughter filled the room and they turned just in time to see Thor theatrically go down under an onslaught of golden animal illusions.

“I am defeated,” Thor moaned and collapsed onto the floor while the children shrieked with laughter and tugged him up again.

“No,” one of the girls exclaimed, “King Thor will never be defeated!”

“And neither will Prince Loki,” Alfarinn added.

Steve shared an amused smile with Loki. “Seems like you have a fan.”

Loki huffed out a laugh as he gazed fondly at the children. “In a way, Alfarinn is a lot like me,” he began in a low voice so only Steve would hear him. “He has the potential to become a great seiꝺr practitioner but I didn’t discover his talent until our ship was attacked on the way to Midgard. His parents didn’t want to face the … shame having a seiꝺr-wielding son would bring. They died during the attack and as you know seiꝺr can lash out under trauma, especially in a weakened or untrained person. As the most experienced seiꝺr user left of our people I took him and the others on as my students to help them deal with what happened and learn to control their powers.”

Suddenly, Steve saw the seemingly carefree children in another light. “Are they all orphans?”

“No, thank the Norns,” Loki said. “Beside Alvi they all still have parents.”

Steve let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “Are Alvi and Alfarinn staying with someone?”

Loki gave him a teasing smile. “Why, thinking of adopting them?” He laughed at Steve’s flustered look. “They are living with Eir and her husband, actually. Besides me she is the most advanced seiꝺr practitioner left among my people. And, even more importantly, both she and her husband have an open mind. They are well-suited to take care of them.”

As if she’d known they were talking about her Eir chose that moment to step into the room. She raised an elegant eyebrow when she saw her king running away from a horde of children and golden animals. Shaking her head she focused her gaze on Loki and Steve. “Care to explain why the children are practicing their seiꝺr in the healing ward?”

“I thought it was time we continued our lessons,” Loki said, smiling slightly.

“Did you?” Eir asked, narrowing her eyes. “Without consulting me first.”

Steve bit his lip to keep from smiling when Loki seemed to shrink a little under her glare. “I am sorry, Lady Eir. You are right. I should have conferred with you before attempting to use my seiꝺr.”

“Well,” Eir said, “I take it there was no harm done?”

Loki shook his head. “I only helped Alfarinn with his illusion,” he nodded at the puffin, “and attempted one of my own. It has already vanished.”

Eir sighed heavily. “That boy has been obsessed with Midgard’s wildlife ever since Dr. Banner brought that book over on his last visit,” she muttered as she stepped closer to the bed. Gently, she laid her hand upon Loki’s brow and performed what Steve now recognized as healing magic. After a moment the golden light faded as did the ruckus the children made. Out of the corner of his eyes Steve saw them staring anxiously at Eir and Loki, waiting for her verdict, as did Thor.

“So?” Loki asked a little impatiently when Eir didn’t say anything for a while.

To Steve’s surprise Eir turned to him. “You have done well, Captain Rogers. Prince Loki is all but healed now. He will no longer rely on you to keep his seiꝺr stable.”

Steve wasn’t surprised, not after Loki refused his help earlier. “That’s great! Does this mean he can finally leave and return to his quarters?”

“I suppose so,” Eir said. She turned to Loki. “I will come to see you every day for the next two weeks so we can test the boundaries of your seiꝺr. No practicing without me, is that clear?”

For a moment Loki looked like he wanted to argue but in the end he inclined his head in agreement. “Of course, my lady.”

Her expression softened. “I am truly glad to see you well, my prince.”

“Thank you once again for your help, Lady Eir,” Loki said.

She nodded and turned around to look at the children. “Since Prince Loki will be released today we better let him pack, don’t we? I am sure you will see him again soon.”

The children moaned in disappointment and their golden illusions vanished one after another as they came over to the bed and hugged Loki goodbye.

“I am very proud of you,” he told them before Eir ushered them outside.

Thor, looking a little disheveled but beaming with happiness, came over to them. “As I am of you, brother. It is good to see you recovered.”

Loki’s eyes briefly met Steve’s before they focused back on his brother. “It feels good as well,” he said and Steve knew it was at least partly a lie. Loki might look recovered but his magic would never heal and his trauma never be forgotten. Steve respected Loki’s choice not to tell Thor any of this even though he didn’t understand why Loki did it.

“How about we get a start on packing your things?” Steve suggested when Loki didn’t say anything else. “Thor, do you want to help or do you have to go back?”

“My people do not need me for a while,” Thor said with a smile and that was answer enough.

It didn’t take them long to pack up the few things that had accumulated in Loki’s hospital room over the last few weeks. It was mostly books, a tablet Tony left behind, some board games – anything that would alleviate the boredom. Once everything was packed the three of them headed out and walked to the area where the personal quarters were located, at the other end of the complex. The distance wasn’t too great but Loki still looked a little strained by the time they entered his rooms.

“Maybe you should rest for a while,” Thor said when Loki swayed a little.

“I have had enough rest to last me a lifetime,” Loki grumbled but he sat down on the couch anyway.

Thor shook his head fondly at him and motioned with the books in his arms towards Loki’s bedroom. “I’m just going to put them in there, alright?”

Loki nodded and as Thor went into the bedroom Steve put down the board games and sat down next to him. Quietly, he asked, “Are you alright?”

To his surprise Loki didn’t brush off his concern like he had Thor’s. “I may have used more energy than I’d anticipated when I helped Alfarinn,” he admitted and let out a sigh. “This is frustrating.”

“It will get easier,” Steve said, hoping it was true.

“We’ll see,” Loki said but the corners of his lips twitched with the beginning of a smile. “It is good to be home again.”

Home. Loki considered his two-room quarters his home, another thing Steve hadn’t been aware of. There wasn’t much here to make the place a home apart from the few books Steve had gotten him. No photos (or paintings, Steve supposed, since Loki came from Asgard) of family members, no personal items, no decorations. The white walls were bare and the room looked almost as sad as Steve’s did.

Already a plan was forming in his mind to change that.

“This calls for a celebration,” Thor announced as he came back into the living room. “I suggest we order pizza and invite our friends.”

Remembering Loki’s earlier admission of being tired Steve intervened. “Maybe just pizza? It’s already late and I think we could all use a good night’s rest.”

Loki flashed him a grateful smile that Thor didn’t see. “Pizza sounds great. I would like mine with pineapples.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 will be probably be uploaded in three or four days. With that being said, I hope you'll have a great start into the new year!


	3. The healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone!
> 
> Thank you once again for so many kind comments and all the kudos! I am very happy that you enjoyed the first two chapters so much!

**Chapter 3: The healing**

Steve stared at Loki as he picked at his dinner, not quite able to hide his worry. It was a week since Loki had been released from his hospital room and even though he tried his best to make them all believe that he was well and had put his injuries behind him Steve knew better. He couldn’t help but notice the dark smudges beneath Loki’s eyes, tell-tale signs that he didn’t sleep well, and he’d seen the way Loki’s shoulders slumped and his eyes dimmed a little after each of Eir’s visits. To Steve it was obvious that Loki was not dealing as well with his trauma as he’d like them all to think but he had no idea what to do about it. He’d already tried anything he could think of to help Loki, from spoiling him with blue jello, trying out different TV shows until they found one they’d both liked (which turned out to be _Dirk Gently_ ), listening to as many musicals as Steve could find ( _Wicked_ and _Come From Away_ were Loki’s favorite while Steve rather enjoyed _Hamilton_ ) to long sessions of playing Mario Kart and even longer conversations on the rooftop under the stars.

In short, Steve spent as much time with Loki as he could during the day but now, after a week, it became painfully clear that Loki was struggling despite Steve’s, and everyone else’s, best efforts. As Loki subtly pushed his plate away from him Steve vowed to talk to him later once they were alone. Getting Loki to open up about something that he deemed a weakness was hard enough without the other Avengers around. The attempt would be doomed from the very beginning were Steve to bring up the topic now.

So he ate quietly and let the others lead the conversation for now. Tony was telling them about some new project he, Bruce and Dr. Strange were working on that would strengthen Earth’s defenses should another Thanos come by with the intention of destroying or conquering their planet. Steve only listened with half an ear. Before long he turned to lean closer to Loki, trying to get a conversation going. “Any idea what they’re talking about?”

“A little,” Loki said. “They haven’t told me any details.”

There was something in his voice that caught Steve’s attention. “Do you think you could help them?”

Loki shrugged, pretending not to care, and Steve realized that the exact opposite was the case. “Maybe. Though who knows, now.”

Oh. Suddenly, things clicked into place. Loki was used to being useful. He’d always had a purpose, be it as prince or as prisoner. Ever since he came to Earth with the remains of his people he’d provided them with information about Thanos, about magic, about the workings of the universe in general. He’d been included in meetings, in training sessions, in tactical planning. Now there was none of that. Even though Loki was finally well enough to take part in regular activities again no one had bothered to include him – not because they didn’t want him there but because Loki had never officially become an Avenger and now that the crisis was over the old caution was back once more. Steve knew he had to rectify that mistake as soon as possible. But first he needed to talk to Loki. They’d spent enough time discussing everything that wasn’t really important. It was time they talked about the things that really mattered.

The opportunity came later that evening after the two of them had watched a movie together in Steve’s room. Usually, Loki would retire to his quarters when the movie ended but this night he lingered. His need for company, usually so well concealed but today so obvious, at least to Steve, made Steve’s heart ache.

“Not tired yet?” he asked quietly after the credits had rolled.

Loki began to shrug but stopped mid-motion. Steve saw hesitation in his eyes before he finally admitted, “I am always tired these days.”

There was a weariness in his voice that tugged at Steve’s emotions. “Why?”

“You weren’t born with your physical strength, right?” Loki asked rhetorically. Steve nodded anyway. “Imagine going back to how you were before. Everything that used to come easily and naturally to you is hard now, difficult. What took you a moment before now takes you a minute, leaving you breathless and exhausted. That’s how I feel, Steve. That’s why I’m tired.”

“So your lessons with Lady Eir aren’t going as well as you say they are,” Steve surmised.

Loki let out a sigh. “I wouldn’t say that,” he began. “I’m starting to make use of my seiꝺr again, slowly learning what is possibly and what is not. But that’s just it: so many things are out of my reach now and what is within is hard to come by. I admit I have … trouble … accepting that.”

Carefully Steve reached out and placed a hand on Loki’s arm. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why should I?” Loki countered though there was no heat in it. “It is not like you or anyone else can do anything about it.”

“I know,” Steve said, “but that doesn’t mean you have to pretend everything is fine either. You’re allowed to be not alright, Loki. I know we can’t really help you when it comes to your magic but you can talk to us. You can scream, cry, rage – whatever you want. You don’t need to bottle it all up, not here, not with us. Not with me.”

Loki looked stunned. There was no other word for the way he stared at Steve, mouth hanging open, eyes wide. “I –“ he began, snapping his mouth shut. “I didn’t know you … cared so much.”

Steve snorted. “Of course I care. You’re my friend, Loki.” He paused when he noticed the surprised look on Loki’s face and the desperate longing in eyes as they slowly glazed over with unshed tears. Steve’s heart fell. “I thought you knew.”

Loki drew in a shuddering breath and tried to blink the wetness away. “I’d hoped,” he whispered, “but I hadn’t dared to believe.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, and without thinking about it he drew Loki into an embrace. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I’ve watched you struggling these past few weeks and it never even crossed my mind that you didn’t know what this was, why I was trying to help you. I can’t believe I was so blind, so – so stupid.”

Slowly, Loki brought up his arms and wrapped them around Steve’s back. “Don’t,” he whispered fiercely. “Don’t say that. It is not your fault. I am not used to having … friends. I have always been bad at – at forging meaningful relationships.”

“So have I,” Steve admitted. “Besides Bucky there was … no one, really. At least no one that came close to what I have with him. Until you, that is.”

“Thank you,” Loki said quietly.

He pulled back and smiled at Steve. Steve smiled back at him. “No. Thank you.”

Loki huffed out a quiet laugh in embarrassment. “Stop it.”

Steve flashed him a quick grin before he grew sober once more. “While we’re on the topic: I wanted to let you know that I’ve gotten in touch with Fury today about making you an official member of the Avengers. He said he’ll see what he can do which probably means there’ll be an official announcement by next week.” He paused, studying Loki’s reaction. “That is, if you want to be a part of us?”

Loki blinked at him. “You are full of surprises tonight,” he observed. “Seeing as Midgard is my home now it would be my honor to defend her and her people. I just,” he took a deep breath. “I don’t know how much help I’d really be. I wasn’t lying earlier, Steve. What you’ve seen me do in the past – it’s no longer possible. I fear I’d be more of a liability in battle now than an asset.”

The dejected, self-deprecating look on Loki’s face made Steve’s heart clench. “Look, being part of the Avengers is not just about strength or magic. We all have our limits, our weaknesses. The important thing is that we recognize them and realize that not everyone is suited for every mission. I would never send you into the field if I didn’t think you could hold your own.”

“And what if I will never be able to hold my own, as you say, in a fight again?” Loki asked.

“Then so be it,” Steve told him. “There are other ways you can help. Your knowledge, for example, is practically invaluable to us. We would have been woefully unprepared for Thanos’s -“ Loki flinched, “- attack on Earth if it hadn’t been for you. Once you’re officially on the team your knowledge alone can open doors we never even knew existed.”

Loki stared at him. “You really believe that?”

Steve nodded. “I do.”

“This is not just you taking pity on a broken man?” Loki asked with a raised eyebrow.

Steve frowned, not at all liking the way Loki talked about himself. “Of course not. I think you know me better than that.”

Loki contemplated that. He looked torn as if he was silently debating whether to share something with Steve or not. In the end, he decided to speak. “I have spoken with Lady Eir about what I could theoretically still do with my seiꝺr,” he said. “Most of what I used to do is not an option anymore but she pointed out that healing might still be a possibility. I do not know if she is right but I am willing to give it a try. Maybe I can aid you that way.”

He looked so hopeful and in need of reassurance that Steve hoped for his sake that Eir was right. “That would certainly be helpful,” he told Loki with a smile, “but even if it doesn’t work out I still want you on the team. We’re going to make this happen, Loki, and it won’t be out of pity. I promise you.”

One corner of Loki’s mouth tugged up in a soft, grateful smile. “I owe you much,” he said, holding Steve’s gaze for a moment before he stood up. Steve noticed that he held himself a little straighter now, more like he used to before the final battle. “Goodnight, Steve. And thank you.”

Steve smiled at him and walked him to the door. “Sleep well. And remember: you can talk to me anytime you want or need to, alright? We’re a team and my door is always open.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

* * *

It was only three days later when Loki took Steve up on his offer to talk. He’d been quiet all day, keeping mostly to himself. Steve had watched him with worried eyes but gave Loki his space, not wanting to push him too much. He also had days when he’d rather be alone than put on a smile for the world, and couldn’t begrudge Loki the same. So while it didn’t surprise Steve when Loki didn’t emerge from his room for lunch it worried him nonetheless. He wondered if Loki’s session with Eir had gone even worse than the previous ones.

Much to his relief Loki showed up later that evening for their daily movie night though he didn’t look particularly enthusiastic about it. He greeted him stiffly before he curled up on Steve’s couch and pulled one of the woolen blankets around himself, waiting patiently for Steve to select the movie of the day. Steve glanced at him and, noticing the dark shadows beneath his eyes, decided a long movie was out of the question. He chose _Finding Nemo_ and they watched the movie in relative silence. Once in a while one or both of them would laugh and Steve was glad that Loki seemed to be fascinated enough by the story to forget whatever had been troubling him all day for a minute, but they didn’t talk or share their thoughts throughout the movie like they usually did. And, after the credits had rolled, Loki got up, quickly bid Steve goodnight and practically hurried out of the room. Steve let him go despite the worry churning in his stomach. He told himself that it was a good sign that Loki had shown up to their movie night at all, but he still couldn’t help fretting over Loki’s behavior. Even later that night after he’d gone to bed his thoughts kept going round and round in his head so much that it took him a long time to fall asleep.

Steve was woken up by the sound of knocking. Blearily, he looked at the clock on his nightstand: 2:07 am. He groaned but rolled out of bed anyway. Barefoot he padded out of his bedroom and through the living room, dimly wondering why there was no audio alarm going off as it usually did in case of emergencies. Maybe the system was down?

He opened the door and blinked in surprise. Loki stood there, looking small with his thin arms wrapped around himself protectively. He looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here as he shuffled his feet awkwardly.

“Loki,” Steve said rather stupidly. He rubbed a tired hand across his face, forcing himself to wake up fully. It might not be an Avengers emergency but Loki came to him in search of … something, and Steve owed it to him to be awake and alert for that.

Loki’s eyes flashed up to his briefly before he seemed to shrink in on himself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think –“ He bit his lip in shame. “It must be late. You were sleeping. I’m sorry. This was a bad idea.”

Loki was about to turn around and Steve couldn’t have that. He reached out and grabbed hold of his shoulder. “Don’t do this,” he asked quietly. “I told you you could come to me. So it’s the middle of the night, who cares? You’re here, I’m here … so, let’s go inside and I’ll make us both a cup of tea and then we can talk. How does that sound?”

Steve offered him a friendly smile and Loki’s lips twitched faintly in response. “Tea would be … quite nice. It is rather cold out here.”

Loki’s feet were as barefoot as his own so Steve got them each a pair of socks after he put on the kettle. Loki took them gratefully before he huddled under Steve’s blanket again. He didn’t say anything until Steve handed him a steaming mug of tea and sat down next to him. “I truly am sorry for disturbing you so late,” he began with a sigh. “I really didn’t think clearly earlier, I just ran.”

“Ran?” Steve asked. An uneasy feeling settled into his stomach. “Ran from what?”

“Nothing,” Loki said with a shrug, trying and failing to make light of it. “Just my mind.”

Steve knew what Loki wasn’t willing to put into words. “You had a nightmare.”

“Yes,” Loki whispered, closing his eyes in embarrassment. “Childish, isn’t it? They’ve been … frequent since the attack and I cannot seem to get rid of them. The last few days have been especially … trying.”

Steve nodded in understanding. “We all have our fair share of nightmares. I still dream about falling into the ice, or reaching for Bucky on the train. What are your dreams about?”

Loki’s eyes were dull and devoid of emotion when they met Steve’s, as if he was distancing himself from the memories. “The titan, the void, Sakaar and the Grandmaster, Asgard burning, Midgard being destroyed, Thor being thrown into space, Father, Mother … you. Take your pick”

“That’s … a lot of nightmares for one person,” Steve said quietly. “What was different this time?”

Loki frowned. “Different?”

Steve gave him a sad smile. “Something must have been different tonight to make you come to me. As you said you’ve been dealing with nightmares for a while now. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you haven’t slept properly these last couple of weeks.” Loki still looked hesitant so Steve added, “It’s alright, you know, not being able to deal with everything life throws at you on your own. Most of us have sought help over the years. I know for a fact that Tony told Bruce a lot of what keeps him awake at night. Clint and Natasha sometimes lock themselves in one of their rooms with a bottle of vodka between them and talk.”

“And you?” Loki asked.

“Me?” Steve thought about it. “Well, I’ve talked to Sam a lot, a little bit to the others. They all know my history and thus what my nightmares are about. It’s all in my files, after all. I just have to say the word _ice_ and they understand. In my case it’s not so much about talking than taking comfort in the fact that someone is there, keeping me grounded.”

Loki seemed to contemplate that. He was quiet for a moment, fiddling nervously with the blanket, before he met Steve’s eyes. “I dreamed about Jotunheim,” he confessed in a whisper, “about the day I found out what I truly am. A monster.” He laughed hollowly. “Only in the dream I couldn’t change back to my Aesir form, no matter what I tried. Father was laughing at me in the vault and Mother looked so disappointed.” He swallowed heavily. “You were scared of me, Steve. Terrified. And Thor … he swung Mjolnir, and that’s when I woke up. My hands were blue.”

Steve winced. “I can see how that would have freaked you out. But you know that’s just your magic reacting to the dream, right? Lady Eir said something like this might happen.”

“I know,” Loki said miserably, “but after all these weeks without an incident I thought she was wrong. I didn’t expect it anymore which, I suppose, was my mistake. It … took me by surprise.”

Steve nodded in understanding. “Did you have trouble turning your skin pale again?”

“I did,” Loki admitted, lowering his eyes to his hands. “I couldn’t concentrate at all when I woke up and the blue kept spreading. I panicked and came here.”

Steve thought back to the moment he’d opened the door. He’d still been half-asleep then but he’s sure he would have noticed if Loki’s hands or arms had been blue. “You looked normal when I opened the door.”

Loki, much to Steve’s surprise, actually blushed and averted his eyes. “I spent approximately ten minutes sitting in front of your door doing the breathing exercises Lady Eir taught me until I managed to shift back.” He paused, a confused expression on his face. “I … now realize there was no need at all to wake you up.”

He looked at Steve with so much dismay and embarrassment that Steve couldn’t help the fond smile that tugged his lips upwards. “Not everything is logical, Loki. Emotions rarely are. Maybe you didn’t come here for help at all, but for comfort.”

“I … do feel more at ease in your presence,” Loki said reluctantly. “My quarters while sufficient are sometimes … stifling in their emptiness.”

Steve got up. “I know that feeling. It was the same for me after the ice. There was barely anything of my old life left except for a few pictures.” He went over to a cupboard and pulled out several sheets of paper. “I realized a while ago that you don’t even have that so I thought I’d do something about it. I wanted to wait until they were all finished before I gave them to you but it doesn’t really matter. Here.”

Loki carefully took the drawings from him. For a moment he stared at Steve with unsure eyes before he looked down at the sheets of paper in his hand. His eyes widened when he saw what they depicted. “How?” he asked in a choked voice.

“You don’t just project your nightmares when you sleep,” Steve explained. He scooted a little closer so that he could see which drawing Loki was looking at. Queen Frigga was smiling up at them, all beauty, radiance and grace.

“She looks so real,” Loki whispered, reverently tracing her smile with a fingertip.

Steve smiled. “There are more.” Loki turned to him in wonder before he focused his attention back on the drawings. The next one showed Frigga surrounded by magical illusions, and in the one after that she stood in her garden smiling, looking at the flowers. “Thor was so kind as to provide the details for Asgard since your projections didn’t show any of this,” Steve explained quietly as Loki looked through the drawings.

Loki shook his head in disbelief. “When did you do all this?”

“I had a lot of time on my hand while you were recovering,” Steve told him with a smile.

“I didn’t know you were so talented,” Loki confessed. He looked up in surprise when he saw the next drawings. “You drew Thor as well? And Lady Eir! Brunnhilde!” He grinned up at Steve. “The children and their projections!”

Steve laughed and pointed at a little puffin. “And yours.”

Loki came to the last drawing and his smile slowly slipped off his face. It was the only drawing Steve had begun to color so far and it wasn’t done yet but maybe it was meant to be exactly as it was, Steve thought as he tried to gauge Loki’s reaction.

“Why would you draw me like this?” Loki asked in a whisper. The paper was trembling slightly in his hands.

“I know you think you’re a monster when you’re in this form,” Steve began. He reached out and gently placed his hand above Loki’s to steady them. “But that is not what I see. When you came out of surgery like this it didn’t matter to me that you were blue. I only saw my friend and I knew he was hurt and all I wanted was for him to wake up.”

Loki looked down at the drawing that showed him lying in his hospital bed in his jotun form. He swallowed. “In Asgard, parents teach their children to fear the jotnar,” he began quietly. “We were told they were monsters, that they would come and eat us if we didn’t behave. Of course I now know that is not true but, as you said, emotions aren’t logical. I can’t help feeling hatred and terror when I look at myself in this form.”

Steve gently took the drawing from him and stared at it for a moment. “It was not my intention to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry for that. But I don’t regret drawing it. This,” he pointed at the blue color and markings on Loki’s face, “is still a part of you. I understand why you want to hide it and I respect that but I want you to know that it doesn’t matter to me whether you’re blue or pale. The same goes for your brother and the rest of the Avengers. And I’m pretty sure your students wouldn’t care either.”

“They grew up with the same stories I did,” Loki quietly reminded him.

“Then I think it’s time for some new stories for Asgard’s children,” Steve said gently.

Loki’s eyes strayed back to the drawing. “It’s not that easy.”

“Probably not,” Steve agreed, “but the first steps have already been made. Your students think the world of you and they certainly didn’t look scared when they visited you in the hospital.”

“That’s because they’ve never seen me in my jotun form,” Loki argued. “The people of Asgard have only known me as I am now. They may have been told about what I am but they have never seen me as I truly look.”

“Thor and Lady Eir have,” Steve pointed out.

Loki shook his head. “That’s different. I do not know for sure but I think Lady Eir knew of my heritage from the beginning. It was always her who treated me when I was ill as a child. She must have been aware that I am jotun. And Thor … well, Thor is my brother.”

“Thor may be your brother,” Steve began kindly, “but that’s not why it doesn’t matter to him what you look like. He loves you, Loki. It’s as plain and simple as that. The same goes for Lady Eir, your students – your friends. That’s why we don’t see that monster you’re talking about. We only see the person underneath, and he is certainly not a monster.”

Loki inhaled shakily. Unable to hold Steve’s gaze he lowered his eyes and reached for the drawing instead. He stared at it with an unreadable expression. “Do you truly believe that?” he asked in a small voice. “Do you truly think my people would accept … this?” He nodded to the drawing.

Steve smiled. “I believe most of them will, yes. It might take some time given Asgard’s … prejudices but I’m certain in the end your people will remember how you’ve navigated them to Earth and secured them a home here, not which planet you originally came from.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Loki said wistfully, “like I can just go up to them in my jotun form and everything will be alright.”

“Maybe not quite like that,” Steve amended. “I was thinking more along the lines of getting them used to the idea first.” And you as well, he added silently.

Loki frowned at him. “How?”

Good question, Steve thought. “I could make more drawings, with your and Thor’s help?” He suggested. “That way we can show them what to expect.” An idea formed in his mind. “Or Lady Eir could do one of those magical illusions. They’re not just limited to animals and one’s own projection, are they?”

“No,” Loki confirmed, still looking skeptical.

“We could also get Tony in on this,” Steve went on, beginning to get excited by the idea. “I’m pretty sure he could build digital 3D models and make videos and such. We could use this to educate your people, and ours too, about the history of the jotnar, their physiology, their customs – everything!”

Loki stared at Steve as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. “We?”

“Of course we,” Steve said at once. “I know how big of a deal this is for you, so don’t even think I won’t be right there at your side if you decide to do this.”

Loki regarded the drawing again for a moment before he asked, “Can I think about it?”

Steve smiled. “Of course. Take as long as you need and it’s absolutely alright if you decide you don’t want to show yourself to others in your jotun form. But, for the record? I think some history lessons for your people would be a good idea nonetheless.”

With a nod, Loki said, “Those videos of Stark would be a good way to preserve our own history as well.” His eyes met Steve’s and he smiled. “I think I will retire now. May I keep the drawings?”

“They’re yours,” Steve told him. “We can go look for some frames tomorrow so we can put them on your walls if you’d like. Maybe we’ll find some other stuff as well to make your rooms feel a little more like home.”

“I will be free after my session with Lady Eir tomorrow morning if 11 am suits you?” Loki suggested.

Steve grinned at him. “It’s a date.” He got up and helped Loki gather up the drawings before he accompanied him to the door. “You sure you’ll be alright now?”

“I am,” Loki said confidently. His eyes softened. “Thank you, Steve. For – for everything. I truly wouldn’t know what to do without your friendship anymore.”

Steve smiled and, because he knew Loki was still having trouble with showing physical affection, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him in a quick hug. “Thank you for trusting me,” he whispered into Loki’s ear before he pulled back. “And remember: my door is always open.”

“I know,” Loki smiled.

* * *

A month later, Loki found Steve at sunset on the rooftop drawing the city’s skyline. “I do not mean to disturb you, but was wondering if we could discuss your ideas about educating my people and getting them used to … well, this?” He nodded at the jotun drawing in his hands.

Steve smiled widely and put his pencil down. He patted the empty space next to him as stars twinkled into existence above them. “Of course. I’m glad you decided to give it a try.”

“I’m not so sure about it yet,” Loki admitted as he sat down next to Steve.

Steve threw an arm around Loki’s shoulder and pulled him closer. “You’ve made the first step, the rest will come in time. Trust me.”

Loki’s eyes softened. “I do, may the Norns help me.”

Steve huffed out a laugh.

**The end**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I've been thinking of writing little snippets of scenes that didn't make it into the story. So I guess, let me know if you'd like to see this verse expanded and, more importantly, what you'd want to see. =)


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